WW check in

In two weeks I lost 4.6 lbs on weight watchers. I wonder if I could do tis thing on my own. I cant see paying $11 bucks a week to get weighed and sit around a bunch of middle ages bittites.

Monday

Well happy Monday to me. This past weekend has flown by once again and I find myself here at work watching the last hour of my workday dwindle by. It’s a trip ‘cause today I have been thinking about Valentines day. And if I will get anything from my beau he seems considerate enough but I’m not sure if he is planning on doing anything or for that matter buying me anything for the V day. I’ve decided that I am going to do something for us both, probably make dinner and pick up a book that I think he might like. If nothing else, this is good for both of us to just chill and spend some quality time together. Lord knows I don’t need the chocolate and flowers die too quick. So the only thing that would last would be to make some ice memories. I haven’t called him and I have been a little distant because our last in depth conversation threw me for a loop. I decided that I would just step back and let the chips fall where they may. But one thing about T is that he really doesn’t get it. He really doesn’t get that I am being distant or acting differently, he still calls and checks in like its all good. So I need to stop trying to get him to read my mind and get over it. All in all he’s a good guy, responsible, considerate and caring. The sex area could definitely improve. Cause with the package he is working with I should be walking with a limp. But I hope that that too will get better with time. I guess we shall see. I am just going to take it easy and enjoy the moment.

Hmm … a lot has happened

Hmm .... a lot has happened in a little bit of time. Today I joined weight watchers, it was a little weird. I was in a room full of middle aged white women. I was as every woman that got up for one reason or another, and I looked their shape and size, comparing myself to them. Asking in my head, “am I that big” “Do I look like that? No matter what the answer is I don’t look cute naked anymore, man I used to be a stunner. Able to wear anything that was n style and being able to carry myself like a beauty queen from the pages of an Ebony magazine. Today I find myself, hunching over and feeling tired, way to damn much. Hence I have decided to do something about it. This blog started out as something to do, something fun ‘cause I found myself spending so much time reading other peoples blog I wanted to give back and also share my own experiences with the web world. So now I can add weight loss journal to the list of topics this blog will cover. SO today, I weighed in at 203.8 pounds. I was actually a little surprised because, I was sure I was past 210. So it is good to know that I have not all the way let myself go to waste. I’m sure own my journey of learning to love myself more, quitting smoking will be adding to the blog as well as other goals such as credit repair and home ownership. But well save that for another day. SO I look forward to this journey of weight loss and getting back to finedom. Shoot when I think back to the times when I was physically at my best, I was mentally a mess. I was insecure and using way too many substances to try and change the ay I felt inside. So today I am clean on the inside and happy (most of the times) on the inside, so I want my outside to reflect that.
I also gave it up to T last week; it was good I guess, even though I am not real enthused about it. It was a weird sequence of events, after he ate my pink cookie like a pro and we did the do he could find were he put the rubber. Talk about weird, we cut on all the lights and started searching the room like we were two crackheads looking for the last $2 dollar rock. Man I was so disgusted I told him he was never gonna get anymore sweetness if he didn’t find that damn rubber. I had company coming over the next day and the last thing I needed was to be entertaining and a damn used rubber drop from the ceiling into a guest’s cup of coffee. Anyway, he said, “the only other place it could be is in you” WTF??? How could that be, if you had it on when you busted and pulled out. Long story short, it was and I can add that to my list of things that have never happened to me happening to me. So of course we had the babies, STDS, safe sex where is this relationship going conversation and frankly I didn’t give a shit at the moment cause all I could think about was calling and getting an appointment for a checkup…a full checkup. So that was four days ago and he has called to apologize but it feels a little weird. I do not want to guess and try to figure out what’s on his mind. I could come up with a million things, but none of which would make much sense or necessarily be true. I also haven’t called him or attempted to talk about the new mood between us because I really don’t know how I feel about him or where I want this to go. At first it was cool just dating and having fun, now he has lost his job, moved back in with his Dad and I have gave him some. A real relationship cannot be one sided, and I do not want a man that is not financially responsible for himself, let alone not able to be the man and help me when I need it. Lately I have been springing for stuff, paying for gas and using my electricity to entertain us both. I think that was a big part of why I wanted to have sex. I wanted to make sure all of the work I was putting in was not for a lousy lay. But now that part is done I really don know what I want to do no. I also have really big issues and fear when it comes to intimacy. That might be one of the reasons I choose men that are unavailable emotionally or the ones that I do not see a future with because I am afraid to let men get close for fear or rejection. Sheit I know I am fugged up in that department. This is why I am trying to do something different today and not run when someone shows an interest in getting to the real me. Hmm well I think that’s enough brain dumping for the moment. I pray that God keeps me strong and vigilant on this weight loss journey. Just thinking about losing weight makes me hungry.

Happy New Year!!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!
Today is going well and I am happy that 2006 is here. I had a wonderful Christmas Holiday and equally great NYE celebration at my house. I am looking forward to having sex with T for the first time. We have been dating for the past 4 months and the petting has gotten better and better. I look forward to pleasing him in ways that make his toes curl and being equally pleased. The reciprocation comes not from returning a lick or a kiss but because the other truly wants to, there is nothing more enticing than knowing your lover wants to please you as much as you want to please him. I once had a guy who loved eating the pink cookie, he loved to watch me squirm and pull at the sheets, bit e my bottom lip and beg for him to stop. He told me once that my actions were more of a turn on for him than the act itself, that in turn definitely turned me on knowing he was getting turned on. So soon I will learn T’s pleasure spots and what makes him yearn to be inside me. This is the fun exciting part of relationships. When everything is new and fun, the little things he or she does seem cute and not obnoxious. Truth be told I have only gotten past this point once in my life with my first love. We had a four year relationship with talks of marriage that eventually ending with him fathering a child outside our relationship and me moving halfway across the country. Deep down I long for the intimacy that one has when in a long-term relationship. The comfort in knowing that someone loves and accepts you truly for you the whole person you are inside and out with flaws and imperfections, but still loves you. That is what I long for, but recently (the past 10 years) I have run and shut people out when they approach this area. Because of past hurts and past baggage I have developed a new fear of intimacy. Which is weird. I know that the only cure for this is to continue to love myself unconditionally and let people in to see the real me, but at times it is to only hard but also very scary.

The Time is Now

Well, Today my pants feel like I’m suffocating and they are a size 16. My ass is spreading like cream cheese and my belly looks as if I’m 5 months pregnant. SO needless to say I’m ready to change some things and lose some weight. I’ve decided to join weight watchers and the gym next month. I saw a few weight loss journals and they were really inspiring. Not only because my pants are hella tight and I am wanting to join the gym, but I saw my self naked and don’t really like what I see. I know I see myself naked everyday, but the other day I REALLY saw myself. I saw new stretch marks and I saw that I’m not that cute with my clothes off. Also my tattoo is spreading so much that it looks ridiculous. I want to feel comfortable again in my cute lingerie and thongs, not trying to do a nosedive to the bed while cutting out the lights and blowing out the candles. Hopefully real soon, I feel comfortable enough to say “Lets leave the lights on!”

Peace. Love & Hair Grease

TGIF!

Okay well TGIF. I have a date tonight, kinda looking forward to it. Eventhough I think this cat is a little intimidated by me I will do my best to be myself and not run him away. He’s actually really handsome and has a great heart, very considerate. Well get together after work and maybe grab some food or catch a movie. Man it’s been a little while since I’ve had a date. It’s a trip how you get so wound up in a little monotonous schedule that you don’t even realized what you been missing until it pops u in you r life. 4 more hours of work to go. I’ll do a little holiday shopping this weekend as well as work on my credit. Well I’m ready to go now, work is really dragging on cant wait to blow this joint. Maybe I’ll leave early.
Peace Out

hmmm

So we just got back from our staff luncheon. It was OK I am just really tired of paying for peoples lunches that make at least three times as much as I do. I'm sure I was a little crabby, but I guess its better they see the other side of this Gemini now before I just flash on them one day and they just don't know what to do with it. It's rainy and cold and I am soooo looking forward to crawling in bed and reading a book while sipping on my sleepytime tea.
I'm still wondering what in the world I could use this blog for. I've read all types and today I ran across on that was pretty bland not saying to much, just a daily diary of shorts with short blurbs. I liked it. Nice and simple...maybe I will keep this thing after all.

JA Here I come!!!!

I'm off to Jamaica for two weeks and I am sooooo excited. I cant wait!!!!

Sex to the Fifth Degreee

I ordered a bathing suit the other day and I took pictures of myself I it. Damn I need to join the gym. I’ve decided that when I return from my trip overseas I am definitely joining weight watchers and the gym.. God I need to lose some weight and get this ass tight again. My six pack had turned into a keg and my ass has spread like warm cream cheese. It’s time to make a change. I told my girlfriend about this and she says that she frankly doesn’t look at me to much so she never noticed, I personally think that is a crock of bullshit. But hey to each his own, I can’t knock her for that. Because if she would have said anything to me about my weight I probably would have told her to kiss my ass. I was thinking about my sexual history today and I have realized that I have had sex with 5 men in the past two years and that is not good at all. At this rate I’m gonna be in the double digits pretty soon. What is even worse is that I don’t remember most of their names and why we are not seeing each other any more. I pretend like AI choose to fuck em and leave them when in realty I am just a little girl afraid of getting hurt once again by a man that I allow myself to love. It’s a trip but all the men I have loved have wronged me in some way. What worse is that I do not blame them for it, I blame myself for allowing it. Even though I was just a little girl. Well I have grown up into a beautiful woman. But that little girl inside of me still cries for the love that was taken from her a long time ago. I think this is why I fuck em and leave. I hurt them before they can ever hurt me. I’m sure this is a future tarea of interest for my future therapist. So I will stop there on that topic.
Ok well maybe not, Just let me say that I do one day want to be loved and in love and married with a child. That is my hearts desire. I think I will make a wonderful mother and a beautiful wife.

Monday

Today is another Monday and I will be in Jamaica in less than three weeks. I am really excited. So anyway its been a while since I’ve written I have been caught up in my self-defeating, self badgering, depressing state of mind. So needless to say I am trying … no I AM coming out of it. So I thank God. I also need to say that I am in recovery. Yes, I probably need to be a member of all the 12step groups that end in Anonymous, but currently I am just attending meetings in one of them. It’s a trip being me, because I am young and single at times I feel as though I should be some where I am not, at times my self-esteem is super low and I feel like crap, then there are days, weeks and months that go by and I feel great. Like I am on top of the world and can handle anything that comes my way. I bought a bathing suit for my trip and the suit is sooo cute, but my ass needs to get back in shape. I don’t remember when I gained this weight. People around me tell me I am cute, have a cute shape and am pretty but I definitely know that this is not me. It feels like this isn’t even my body. Recently I do not recognize my body when I look on the mirror. So I know it is high time to change this. I plan on joining the gym when I return from Jamaica.

Damn Rats

Okay let me vent…so today I check my bosses mailbox and there is another anonymous note about me. Talking about how it is unfair that I get to take paid lunches and cigarettes breaks and how I am not pulling my load here in the office. That is a crock of shit. What gets me is whoever is putting these notes in my boss’s box is a coward. If this person is so perturbed about my work schedule then why don’t they go to the president or even my boss personally. I have no problem discussing my work schedule and the arrangements that I have agreed to, but to be a pussy and write anonymous notes is just stupid. Shit, if you are going to be a rat, then be the best damn rat you can be. Not cowardly and underhanded. This is crazy. Ever since the first note about 6 months ago I have been really paranoid round my co-workers. Wondering you the culprit could be. It’s really f’ed up because I am always looking over my shoulder these days and wondering who is watching me. I do a damn good job here at work and I am proud of the product I produce. I think it is very unfair for someone to be so conniving and underhanded as this. The only solution I see is to buckle down and work longer hours. I talked to my boss about this the last time a note mysteriously wound up in her box, she did what any other righteous person would do…she showed it me. We talked and she has informed me that she is very pleased with my performance and that I do not need to change a thing. However in order to cover my own ass, I think I need to tighten it up a bit. I want to ask the lady at the front desk if she has seen anyone dropping notes in my boss’s box, but if it’s her I don’t want to tip anyone off. How do you flush out a rat? I’ve never been the type to go behind peoples back. I confront problems and issues up front. I do not run or hide from life and have been through enough that I really don’t need this shit. So world I ask again, how do you flush out a rat that you cannot see and disguises itself as a smile in your face phony as co-worker?

another day, another dollar

Okay well today I was at work, processing the paperwork for a new employee. When I realized that this new chic makes over a thousand dollars a week. This had me to start thinking…what is so different between she and I other than the fact that she makes almost twice as I do. We are the same age and both women. So I pull out her resume and see that she has traveled the world in her studies, attending universities in Chile, Argentina and abroad. She has graduated with Honors and medals. I on the other hand am still trotting my way through community college. Although I doubt she has had some of the life experiences that I have had. Having to raise my sisters 3 children at the age of 16, losing my parents at a young age and being an adult since I was 14 due to it. I do not regret any of the choices that I have made in my life, for they has all molded me into the beautiful being that I am today.

So anyway this has sort of lit the fire under me….what do I want to do with my life??? Continue from job to job, even though I am very good at what I do, I have no passion for it. What is my passion? what do I want to leave as my mark on the world when my bones have dried and withereed away?…..hmmm, I need to do some soul searching and answer some of these questions.

a reason, a season, or a lifetime

Hello world, I got a call this morning from D, asking me if I could take a break. He said he was across the street. My initial reaction was to say Hell, NO negroe...you have not called me all weekend and now you call me wanting to see me. But I thought about it and said sure. So I walked outside to find out that he really did not want to see me but wanted a ride back to the office from Sears auto shop. So anyway, we walked and got coffee and he hasn't said anything about not calling me or anything, so I try to play along and act as if nothing is bothering me. He doesn't buy it and continues to talk about how he knows me and can tell something is up with me. Thats BS in my opinon. I don't know why I didn't just come out and say that this isn't going to work. I realize now that I have been putting unrealistic expectations on him, to be "the one" now I realize that he has not ever been "Mr. Right", but rather "Mr. Right Now". I do believe that God places people in your life for one of many reasons, those reasons either being a reason, a season or a lifetime. D has been in my life for a reason. He made it possible for my family and I to travel back home last month. His reason has expired and I am trying dearly to make his presence serve another purpose. It's crazy. I know I am not in love. I am not even in infatuation, hell I barely like him. But I continue to tell myself that I could. I think the main point of all this is control. If he were chasing me I would not even care, I would treat him like all the rest. But because he has been the first one to admit that the relationship has run its course I just cant handle it. Its crazy. I know. I just want to be able to get into acceptance of the matter. So anyway. I will pray on it and ask my God to bestow the willingness to do His will and go from there. This relationship stuff is weird....I have all these preconceived notions about what love should be like and in reality I haven't a clue as to how this stuff goes.

today is the first day of the rest of my life

Well hello world. In the heartfelt words of Emily Dickenson..."This is my letter to the world that never wote to me". Fitting isn't it? Ithink so. So today marks the beginning of my letters to the world. I have spent the last few weeks searching the net and reading some very interesteing blogs. I've read some about pure love others about raunchy sex, others about people who live secret lives and a couple of blogs full of beautiful poetry about love, life politics, and heartache. I beleive this blog will serve as a hosh-posh of allof the above. A blog of triumphs, defeats, questions, and answers and also plenty of ranting and musing about life in general.