Hmm … a lot has happened

Hmm .... a lot has happened in a little bit of time. Today I joined weight watchers, it was a little weird. I was in a room full of middle aged white women. I was as every woman that got up for one reason or another, and I looked their shape and size, comparing myself to them. Asking in my head, “am I that big” “Do I look like that? No matter what the answer is I don’t look cute naked anymore, man I used to be a stunner. Able to wear anything that was n style and being able to carry myself like a beauty queen from the pages of an Ebony magazine. Today I find myself, hunching over and feeling tired, way to damn much. Hence I have decided to do something about it. This blog started out as something to do, something fun ‘cause I found myself spending so much time reading other peoples blog I wanted to give back and also share my own experiences with the web world. So now I can add weight loss journal to the list of topics this blog will cover. SO today, I weighed in at 203.8 pounds. I was actually a little surprised because, I was sure I was past 210. So it is good to know that I have not all the way let myself go to waste. I’m sure own my journey of learning to love myself more, quitting smoking will be adding to the blog as well as other goals such as credit repair and home ownership. But well save that for another day. SO I look forward to this journey of weight loss and getting back to finedom. Shoot when I think back to the times when I was physically at my best, I was mentally a mess. I was insecure and using way too many substances to try and change the ay I felt inside. So today I am clean on the inside and happy (most of the times) on the inside, so I want my outside to reflect that.
I also gave it up to T last week; it was good I guess, even though I am not real enthused about it. It was a weird sequence of events, after he ate my pink cookie like a pro and we did the do he could find were he put the rubber. Talk about weird, we cut on all the lights and started searching the room like we were two crackheads looking for the last $2 dollar rock. Man I was so disgusted I told him he was never gonna get anymore sweetness if he didn’t find that damn rubber. I had company coming over the next day and the last thing I needed was to be entertaining and a damn used rubber drop from the ceiling into a guest’s cup of coffee. Anyway, he said, “the only other place it could be is in you” WTF??? How could that be, if you had it on when you busted and pulled out. Long story short, it was and I can add that to my list of things that have never happened to me happening to me. So of course we had the babies, STDS, safe sex where is this relationship going conversation and frankly I didn’t give a shit at the moment cause all I could think about was calling and getting an appointment for a checkup…a full checkup. So that was four days ago and he has called to apologize but it feels a little weird. I do not want to guess and try to figure out what’s on his mind. I could come up with a million things, but none of which would make much sense or necessarily be true. I also haven’t called him or attempted to talk about the new mood between us because I really don’t know how I feel about him or where I want this to go. At first it was cool just dating and having fun, now he has lost his job, moved back in with his Dad and I have gave him some. A real relationship cannot be one sided, and I do not want a man that is not financially responsible for himself, let alone not able to be the man and help me when I need it. Lately I have been springing for stuff, paying for gas and using my electricity to entertain us both. I think that was a big part of why I wanted to have sex. I wanted to make sure all of the work I was putting in was not for a lousy lay. But now that part is done I really don know what I want to do no. I also have really big issues and fear when it comes to intimacy. That might be one of the reasons I choose men that are unavailable emotionally or the ones that I do not see a future with because I am afraid to let men get close for fear or rejection. Sheit I know I am fugged up in that department. This is why I am trying to do something different today and not run when someone shows an interest in getting to the real me. Hmm well I think that’s enough brain dumping for the moment. I pray that God keeps me strong and vigilant on this weight loss journey. Just thinking about losing weight makes me hungry.