Damn Rats

Okay let me vent…so today I check my bosses mailbox and there is another anonymous note about me. Talking about how it is unfair that I get to take paid lunches and cigarettes breaks and how I am not pulling my load here in the office. That is a crock of shit. What gets me is whoever is putting these notes in my boss’s box is a coward. If this person is so perturbed about my work schedule then why don’t they go to the president or even my boss personally. I have no problem discussing my work schedule and the arrangements that I have agreed to, but to be a pussy and write anonymous notes is just stupid. Shit, if you are going to be a rat, then be the best damn rat you can be. Not cowardly and underhanded. This is crazy. Ever since the first note about 6 months ago I have been really paranoid round my co-workers. Wondering you the culprit could be. It’s really f’ed up because I am always looking over my shoulder these days and wondering who is watching me. I do a damn good job here at work and I am proud of the product I produce. I think it is very unfair for someone to be so conniving and underhanded as this. The only solution I see is to buckle down and work longer hours. I talked to my boss about this the last time a note mysteriously wound up in her box, she did what any other righteous person would do…she showed it me. We talked and she has informed me that she is very pleased with my performance and that I do not need to change a thing. However in order to cover my own ass, I think I need to tighten it up a bit. I want to ask the lady at the front desk if she has seen anyone dropping notes in my boss’s box, but if it’s her I don’t want to tip anyone off. How do you flush out a rat? I’ve never been the type to go behind peoples back. I confront problems and issues up front. I do not run or hide from life and have been through enough that I really don’t need this shit. So world I ask again, how do you flush out a rat that you cannot see and disguises itself as a smile in your face phony as co-worker?

another day, another dollar

Okay well today I was at work, processing the paperwork for a new employee. When I realized that this new chic makes over a thousand dollars a week. This had me to start thinking…what is so different between she and I other than the fact that she makes almost twice as I do. We are the same age and both women. So I pull out her resume and see that she has traveled the world in her studies, attending universities in Chile, Argentina and abroad. She has graduated with Honors and medals. I on the other hand am still trotting my way through community college. Although I doubt she has had some of the life experiences that I have had. Having to raise my sisters 3 children at the age of 16, losing my parents at a young age and being an adult since I was 14 due to it. I do not regret any of the choices that I have made in my life, for they has all molded me into the beautiful being that I am today.

So anyway this has sort of lit the fire under me….what do I want to do with my life??? Continue from job to job, even though I am very good at what I do, I have no passion for it. What is my passion? what do I want to leave as my mark on the world when my bones have dried and withereed away?…..hmmm, I need to do some soul searching and answer some of these questions.

a reason, a season, or a lifetime

Hello world, I got a call this morning from D, asking me if I could take a break. He said he was across the street. My initial reaction was to say Hell, NO negroe...you have not called me all weekend and now you call me wanting to see me. But I thought about it and said sure. So I walked outside to find out that he really did not want to see me but wanted a ride back to the office from Sears auto shop. So anyway, we walked and got coffee and he hasn't said anything about not calling me or anything, so I try to play along and act as if nothing is bothering me. He doesn't buy it and continues to talk about how he knows me and can tell something is up with me. Thats BS in my opinon. I don't know why I didn't just come out and say that this isn't going to work. I realize now that I have been putting unrealistic expectations on him, to be "the one" now I realize that he has not ever been "Mr. Right", but rather "Mr. Right Now". I do believe that God places people in your life for one of many reasons, those reasons either being a reason, a season or a lifetime. D has been in my life for a reason. He made it possible for my family and I to travel back home last month. His reason has expired and I am trying dearly to make his presence serve another purpose. It's crazy. I know I am not in love. I am not even in infatuation, hell I barely like him. But I continue to tell myself that I could. I think the main point of all this is control. If he were chasing me I would not even care, I would treat him like all the rest. But because he has been the first one to admit that the relationship has run its course I just cant handle it. Its crazy. I know. I just want to be able to get into acceptance of the matter. So anyway. I will pray on it and ask my God to bestow the willingness to do His will and go from there. This relationship stuff is weird....I have all these preconceived notions about what love should be like and in reality I haven't a clue as to how this stuff goes.

today is the first day of the rest of my life

Well hello world. In the heartfelt words of Emily Dickenson..."This is my letter to the world that never wote to me". Fitting isn't it? Ithink so. So today marks the beginning of my letters to the world. I have spent the last few weeks searching the net and reading some very interesteing blogs. I've read some about pure love others about raunchy sex, others about people who live secret lives and a couple of blogs full of beautiful poetry about love, life politics, and heartache. I beleive this blog will serve as a hosh-posh of allof the above. A blog of triumphs, defeats, questions, and answers and also plenty of ranting and musing about life in general.