The Time is Now

Well, Today my pants feel like I’m suffocating and they are a size 16. My ass is spreading like cream cheese and my belly looks as if I’m 5 months pregnant. SO needless to say I’m ready to change some things and lose some weight. I’ve decided to join weight watchers and the gym next month. I saw a few weight loss journals and they were really inspiring. Not only because my pants are hella tight and I am wanting to join the gym, but I saw my self naked and don’t really like what I see. I know I see myself naked everyday, but the other day I REALLY saw myself. I saw new stretch marks and I saw that I’m not that cute with my clothes off. Also my tattoo is spreading so much that it looks ridiculous. I want to feel comfortable again in my cute lingerie and thongs, not trying to do a nosedive to the bed while cutting out the lights and blowing out the candles. Hopefully real soon, I feel comfortable enough to say “Lets leave the lights on!”

Peace. Love & Hair Grease

TGIF!

Okay well TGIF. I have a date tonight, kinda looking forward to it. Eventhough I think this cat is a little intimidated by me I will do my best to be myself and not run him away. He’s actually really handsome and has a great heart, very considerate. Well get together after work and maybe grab some food or catch a movie. Man it’s been a little while since I’ve had a date. It’s a trip how you get so wound up in a little monotonous schedule that you don’t even realized what you been missing until it pops u in you r life. 4 more hours of work to go. I’ll do a little holiday shopping this weekend as well as work on my credit. Well I’m ready to go now, work is really dragging on cant wait to blow this joint. Maybe I’ll leave early.
Peace Out

hmmm

So we just got back from our staff luncheon. It was OK I am just really tired of paying for peoples lunches that make at least three times as much as I do. I'm sure I was a little crabby, but I guess its better they see the other side of this Gemini now before I just flash on them one day and they just don't know what to do with it. It's rainy and cold and I am soooo looking forward to crawling in bed and reading a book while sipping on my sleepytime tea.
I'm still wondering what in the world I could use this blog for. I've read all types and today I ran across on that was pretty bland not saying to much, just a daily diary of shorts with short blurbs. I liked it. Nice and simple...maybe I will keep this thing after all.

JA Here I come!!!!

I'm off to Jamaica for two weeks and I am sooooo excited. I cant wait!!!!

Sex to the Fifth Degreee

I ordered a bathing suit the other day and I took pictures of myself I it. Damn I need to join the gym. I’ve decided that when I return from my trip overseas I am definitely joining weight watchers and the gym.. God I need to lose some weight and get this ass tight again. My six pack had turned into a keg and my ass has spread like warm cream cheese. It’s time to make a change. I told my girlfriend about this and she says that she frankly doesn’t look at me to much so she never noticed, I personally think that is a crock of bullshit. But hey to each his own, I can’t knock her for that. Because if she would have said anything to me about my weight I probably would have told her to kiss my ass. I was thinking about my sexual history today and I have realized that I have had sex with 5 men in the past two years and that is not good at all. At this rate I’m gonna be in the double digits pretty soon. What is even worse is that I don’t remember most of their names and why we are not seeing each other any more. I pretend like AI choose to fuck em and leave them when in realty I am just a little girl afraid of getting hurt once again by a man that I allow myself to love. It’s a trip but all the men I have loved have wronged me in some way. What worse is that I do not blame them for it, I blame myself for allowing it. Even though I was just a little girl. Well I have grown up into a beautiful woman. But that little girl inside of me still cries for the love that was taken from her a long time ago. I think this is why I fuck em and leave. I hurt them before they can ever hurt me. I’m sure this is a future tarea of interest for my future therapist. So I will stop there on that topic.
Ok well maybe not, Just let me say that I do one day want to be loved and in love and married with a child. That is my hearts desire. I think I will make a wonderful mother and a beautiful wife.

Monday

Today is another Monday and I will be in Jamaica in less than three weeks. I am really excited. So anyway its been a while since I’ve written I have been caught up in my self-defeating, self badgering, depressing state of mind. So needless to say I am trying … no I AM coming out of it. So I thank God. I also need to say that I am in recovery. Yes, I probably need to be a member of all the 12step groups that end in Anonymous, but currently I am just attending meetings in one of them. It’s a trip being me, because I am young and single at times I feel as though I should be some where I am not, at times my self-esteem is super low and I feel like crap, then there are days, weeks and months that go by and I feel great. Like I am on top of the world and can handle anything that comes my way. I bought a bathing suit for my trip and the suit is sooo cute, but my ass needs to get back in shape. I don’t remember when I gained this weight. People around me tell me I am cute, have a cute shape and am pretty but I definitely know that this is not me. It feels like this isn’t even my body. Recently I do not recognize my body when I look on the mirror. So I know it is high time to change this. I plan on joining the gym when I return from Jamaica.

Damn Rats

Okay let me vent…so today I check my bosses mailbox and there is another anonymous note about me. Talking about how it is unfair that I get to take paid lunches and cigarettes breaks and how I am not pulling my load here in the office. That is a crock of shit. What gets me is whoever is putting these notes in my boss’s box is a coward. If this person is so perturbed about my work schedule then why don’t they go to the president or even my boss personally. I have no problem discussing my work schedule and the arrangements that I have agreed to, but to be a pussy and write anonymous notes is just stupid. Shit, if you are going to be a rat, then be the best damn rat you can be. Not cowardly and underhanded. This is crazy. Ever since the first note about 6 months ago I have been really paranoid round my co-workers. Wondering you the culprit could be. It’s really f’ed up because I am always looking over my shoulder these days and wondering who is watching me. I do a damn good job here at work and I am proud of the product I produce. I think it is very unfair for someone to be so conniving and underhanded as this. The only solution I see is to buckle down and work longer hours. I talked to my boss about this the last time a note mysteriously wound up in her box, she did what any other righteous person would do…she showed it me. We talked and she has informed me that she is very pleased with my performance and that I do not need to change a thing. However in order to cover my own ass, I think I need to tighten it up a bit. I want to ask the lady at the front desk if she has seen anyone dropping notes in my boss’s box, but if it’s her I don’t want to tip anyone off. How do you flush out a rat? I’ve never been the type to go behind peoples back. I confront problems and issues up front. I do not run or hide from life and have been through enough that I really don’t need this shit. So world I ask again, how do you flush out a rat that you cannot see and disguises itself as a smile in your face phony as co-worker?

another day, another dollar

Okay well today I was at work, processing the paperwork for a new employee. When I realized that this new chic makes over a thousand dollars a week. This had me to start thinking…what is so different between she and I other than the fact that she makes almost twice as I do. We are the same age and both women. So I pull out her resume and see that she has traveled the world in her studies, attending universities in Chile, Argentina and abroad. She has graduated with Honors and medals. I on the other hand am still trotting my way through community college. Although I doubt she has had some of the life experiences that I have had. Having to raise my sisters 3 children at the age of 16, losing my parents at a young age and being an adult since I was 14 due to it. I do not regret any of the choices that I have made in my life, for they has all molded me into the beautiful being that I am today.

So anyway this has sort of lit the fire under me….what do I want to do with my life??? Continue from job to job, even though I am very good at what I do, I have no passion for it. What is my passion? what do I want to leave as my mark on the world when my bones have dried and withereed away?…..hmmm, I need to do some soul searching and answer some of these questions.

a reason, a season, or a lifetime

Hello world, I got a call this morning from D, asking me if I could take a break. He said he was across the street. My initial reaction was to say Hell, NO negroe...you have not called me all weekend and now you call me wanting to see me. But I thought about it and said sure. So I walked outside to find out that he really did not want to see me but wanted a ride back to the office from Sears auto shop. So anyway, we walked and got coffee and he hasn't said anything about not calling me or anything, so I try to play along and act as if nothing is bothering me. He doesn't buy it and continues to talk about how he knows me and can tell something is up with me. Thats BS in my opinon. I don't know why I didn't just come out and say that this isn't going to work. I realize now that I have been putting unrealistic expectations on him, to be "the one" now I realize that he has not ever been "Mr. Right", but rather "Mr. Right Now". I do believe that God places people in your life for one of many reasons, those reasons either being a reason, a season or a lifetime. D has been in my life for a reason. He made it possible for my family and I to travel back home last month. His reason has expired and I am trying dearly to make his presence serve another purpose. It's crazy. I know I am not in love. I am not even in infatuation, hell I barely like him. But I continue to tell myself that I could. I think the main point of all this is control. If he were chasing me I would not even care, I would treat him like all the rest. But because he has been the first one to admit that the relationship has run its course I just cant handle it. Its crazy. I know. I just want to be able to get into acceptance of the matter. So anyway. I will pray on it and ask my God to bestow the willingness to do His will and go from there. This relationship stuff is weird....I have all these preconceived notions about what love should be like and in reality I haven't a clue as to how this stuff goes.

today is the first day of the rest of my life

Well hello world. In the heartfelt words of Emily Dickenson..."This is my letter to the world that never wote to me". Fitting isn't it? Ithink so. So today marks the beginning of my letters to the world. I have spent the last few weeks searching the net and reading some very interesteing blogs. I've read some about pure love others about raunchy sex, others about people who live secret lives and a couple of blogs full of beautiful poetry about love, life politics, and heartache. I beleive this blog will serve as a hosh-posh of allof the above. A blog of triumphs, defeats, questions, and answers and also plenty of ranting and musing about life in general.