Gone Girl, That’s Right!!!

So Jazmine Sullivan has a song out entitled, "Bust Your Windows". The name says it all… No. Really it does. I have a guy whose windows I really want to bust out. I have had visions of running his ass over. Him and his new girlfriend with the faded granny drawls. I mean if you’re gonna drop me, at least make sure the chick is on my level or better. It’s a trip how ish like that can really f’ up a woman’s ego. Well, not really but it’s a low blow. The cat still has the nerve to text me stuff like, “I’m still in love with you” WOW I mean really WOW At times I feel like I’m in the twilight zone or some ish. I’m still very pissed of about the whole ordeal and details will probably come in a later post. Who knows it will probably be therapeutic for me to blast him in cyberspace. But for now I’ll just recite a few lines from Jazmine Sullivan, cause damn I really want to bust the windows out his car…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iggua7p5pYo

I bust the windows out ya carAnd no it didn’t mend my broken heartI’ll probably always have these ugly scarsBut right now I don’t care about that part
I must admit it helped a little bitTo think of how you’d feel when you saw itI didn’t know that I had that much strengthBut I’m glad you see what happens when…
You see can’t just play with people’s feelingsTell them you love them and don’t mean itYou’ll probably say that it was juvenileBut I think that I deserve to smile
I bust the windows out ya carYou know I did it cause I left my markWrote my initials with the crowbarAnd then I drove off into the dark

I'm Back.

September 19th

Yeah thats right I’m baaaack.
It’s a trip how time flies. I was reading a post I wrote back in January and was saddened to realize that I have gotten bigger and still face the same weight issues. I would hope that I would have a different set of issues almost two years after that port. However, here I am today 30 years old, still unhappy with my weight and still single. While I have accumulated some more “stuff” and have picked up a new sport bike fetish there are still a lot of areas that I really want to work on. I’ve been bitten by the black celebrity blog bug and find myself using an absurd amount of time reading and following the latest fashion, news and gossip. This is when I happened upon a sistahs weightless blog. This blog actually reminded me that I too had a blog out there in internet land. So hence the new post. Hopefully I will be able to post here with some sort of regularity and try to formulate some sort of organization out of the random thoughts that spawn form my head.
Peace Out!

Well Well Well too long has gone by since I last updated my blog. So here goes. It’s pretty slow today at work and I really want to go home. Since I am leaving a little early tomorrow so I won’t push it. Just another hour and 57 minutes to go and I am free like the wind. So tonight is the premier of the cycle six Americas Next Top Model and I am looking forward to chillin with a bag of kettle corn and a sprite to watch the show. Also the new Black/White show comes on tonight of FX so I have a line up. Anywho. I need to find some good blogs to read, or something constructive to do ‘cause I am really not feeling watching he clock just go by.

Monday

Okay so happy Monday to me, it is Monday all over again and I am OK with that. I am here at work downloading music. I just came back from helping a sista out who needed a ride after her car broke down. My god deed for the day was good, hopefully it will last a couple of days. I can be really self centered at times but it happens that other people bring it to my attention and that’s when it pisses me off. I had a good weekend. I went to a basketball game and watched the super bowl. Well I watched the second half, cause I went to sleep on the first half. Recently I have been battling an internal war regarding raising these girls. Even though I have no children by birth they have become a huge part of my life. But now it’s too the point where granny is tired of being the primary parent and she needs some help. I don’t know whether I should step up (even though I don’t want to) or send them to stay with their mom, which is another story in itself. So I know I will have a journey of soul searching and praying and journaling before I come to my final resolution. Sometimes you don’t even have resolutions; most times life’s “problems” seem to just work themselves out if you just stay in the process and that it what I am counting on.

Blah Blah Blah Blah B-BBBBBlash

Help I am soooo tired and bored right now. I’ve told my boss that I do not have any projects to work on. So I sit here at my desk doing shit and pretending to look important,. So far I’ve checked out abut 6 blogs, paid a few bills and balanced my check book. This is all while getting in to the office at noon, cause I had to get my hair done. I don’t know why I’m so sleepy. I know why I’m tires, granny waking me up at the crack of dawn about those damn girls and me proceeding to go off on her because she hungup on me. I know she is tired of raising kids, sheesh I don’t blame, her but in all honestly, I don’t wanna do it., Other than that there is there Mom, I serioius love that more that I can imagine, f

WW check in

In two weeks I lost 4.6 lbs on weight watchers. I wonder if I could do tis thing on my own. I cant see paying $11 bucks a week to get weighed and sit around a bunch of middle ages bittites.

Monday

Well happy Monday to me. This past weekend has flown by once again and I find myself here at work watching the last hour of my workday dwindle by. It’s a trip ‘cause today I have been thinking about Valentines day. And if I will get anything from my beau he seems considerate enough but I’m not sure if he is planning on doing anything or for that matter buying me anything for the V day. I’ve decided that I am going to do something for us both, probably make dinner and pick up a book that I think he might like. If nothing else, this is good for both of us to just chill and spend some quality time together. Lord knows I don’t need the chocolate and flowers die too quick. So the only thing that would last would be to make some ice memories. I haven’t called him and I have been a little distant because our last in depth conversation threw me for a loop. I decided that I would just step back and let the chips fall where they may. But one thing about T is that he really doesn’t get it. He really doesn’t get that I am being distant or acting differently, he still calls and checks in like its all good. So I need to stop trying to get him to read my mind and get over it. All in all he’s a good guy, responsible, considerate and caring. The sex area could definitely improve. Cause with the package he is working with I should be walking with a limp. But I hope that that too will get better with time. I guess we shall see. I am just going to take it easy and enjoy the moment.

Hmm … a lot has happened

Hmm .... a lot has happened in a little bit of time. Today I joined weight watchers, it was a little weird. I was in a room full of middle aged white women. I was as every woman that got up for one reason or another, and I looked their shape and size, comparing myself to them. Asking in my head, “am I that big” “Do I look like that? No matter what the answer is I don’t look cute naked anymore, man I used to be a stunner. Able to wear anything that was n style and being able to carry myself like a beauty queen from the pages of an Ebony magazine. Today I find myself, hunching over and feeling tired, way to damn much. Hence I have decided to do something about it. This blog started out as something to do, something fun ‘cause I found myself spending so much time reading other peoples blog I wanted to give back and also share my own experiences with the web world. So now I can add weight loss journal to the list of topics this blog will cover. SO today, I weighed in at 203.8 pounds. I was actually a little surprised because, I was sure I was past 210. So it is good to know that I have not all the way let myself go to waste. I’m sure own my journey of learning to love myself more, quitting smoking will be adding to the blog as well as other goals such as credit repair and home ownership. But well save that for another day. SO I look forward to this journey of weight loss and getting back to finedom. Shoot when I think back to the times when I was physically at my best, I was mentally a mess. I was insecure and using way too many substances to try and change the ay I felt inside. So today I am clean on the inside and happy (most of the times) on the inside, so I want my outside to reflect that.
I also gave it up to T last week; it was good I guess, even though I am not real enthused about it. It was a weird sequence of events, after he ate my pink cookie like a pro and we did the do he could find were he put the rubber. Talk about weird, we cut on all the lights and started searching the room like we were two crackheads looking for the last $2 dollar rock. Man I was so disgusted I told him he was never gonna get anymore sweetness if he didn’t find that damn rubber. I had company coming over the next day and the last thing I needed was to be entertaining and a damn used rubber drop from the ceiling into a guest’s cup of coffee. Anyway, he said, “the only other place it could be is in you” WTF??? How could that be, if you had it on when you busted and pulled out. Long story short, it was and I can add that to my list of things that have never happened to me happening to me. So of course we had the babies, STDS, safe sex where is this relationship going conversation and frankly I didn’t give a shit at the moment cause all I could think about was calling and getting an appointment for a checkup…a full checkup. So that was four days ago and he has called to apologize but it feels a little weird. I do not want to guess and try to figure out what’s on his mind. I could come up with a million things, but none of which would make much sense or necessarily be true. I also haven’t called him or attempted to talk about the new mood between us because I really don’t know how I feel about him or where I want this to go. At first it was cool just dating and having fun, now he has lost his job, moved back in with his Dad and I have gave him some. A real relationship cannot be one sided, and I do not want a man that is not financially responsible for himself, let alone not able to be the man and help me when I need it. Lately I have been springing for stuff, paying for gas and using my electricity to entertain us both. I think that was a big part of why I wanted to have sex. I wanted to make sure all of the work I was putting in was not for a lousy lay. But now that part is done I really don know what I want to do no. I also have really big issues and fear when it comes to intimacy. That might be one of the reasons I choose men that are unavailable emotionally or the ones that I do not see a future with because I am afraid to let men get close for fear or rejection. Sheit I know I am fugged up in that department. This is why I am trying to do something different today and not run when someone shows an interest in getting to the real me. Hmm well I think that’s enough brain dumping for the moment. I pray that God keeps me strong and vigilant on this weight loss journey. Just thinking about losing weight makes me hungry.

Happy New Year!!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!
Today is going well and I am happy that 2006 is here. I had a wonderful Christmas Holiday and equally great NYE celebration at my house. I am looking forward to having sex with T for the first time. We have been dating for the past 4 months and the petting has gotten better and better. I look forward to pleasing him in ways that make his toes curl and being equally pleased. The reciprocation comes not from returning a lick or a kiss but because the other truly wants to, there is nothing more enticing than knowing your lover wants to please you as much as you want to please him. I once had a guy who loved eating the pink cookie, he loved to watch me squirm and pull at the sheets, bit e my bottom lip and beg for him to stop. He told me once that my actions were more of a turn on for him than the act itself, that in turn definitely turned me on knowing he was getting turned on. So soon I will learn T’s pleasure spots and what makes him yearn to be inside me. This is the fun exciting part of relationships. When everything is new and fun, the little things he or she does seem cute and not obnoxious. Truth be told I have only gotten past this point once in my life with my first love. We had a four year relationship with talks of marriage that eventually ending with him fathering a child outside our relationship and me moving halfway across the country. Deep down I long for the intimacy that one has when in a long-term relationship. The comfort in knowing that someone loves and accepts you truly for you the whole person you are inside and out with flaws and imperfections, but still loves you. That is what I long for, but recently (the past 10 years) I have run and shut people out when they approach this area. Because of past hurts and past baggage I have developed a new fear of intimacy. Which is weird. I know that the only cure for this is to continue to love myself unconditionally and let people in to see the real me, but at times it is to only hard but also very scary.